“A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects.” —Robert A. Heinlein, Time Enough For Love
Welcome to the Renaissance Humans Newsletter, where I focus on sense-making and story-telling in the turbulent twenties. The Renaissance (“rebirth,” in French) spanned from the 14th to the 17th century and marked a period of cultural, artistic, and intellectual renewal in Europe. A Renaissance Human fosters curiosity, creativity, critical thinking, and character in a journey of never-ending learning. They cultivate Mind, Body, and Spirit, in service of Community, and oriented to the Transcendentals.
"Verbal Judo: The Gentle Art of Persuasion" by George J. Thompson and Jerry B. Jenkins is a book that teaches effective communication strategies, particularly in conflict situations. The term "Verbal Judo" refers to using words and language as a way to de-escalate tensions, persuade others, and achieve positive outcomes without confrontation.
Short Summary:
The book emphasizes the importance of using language in a way that makes others more receptive to your ideas. It teaches how to approach conversations with empathy, understanding the other person's perspective to guide the discussion toward a mutually beneficial outcome.
Five Universal Truths of Human Interaction: Thompson introduces five principles that are universally applicable in communication:
People want to be treated with respect.
People want to be asked, rather than told, to do something.
People want to be informed about what's happening.
People want to be given options rather than threats.
People want a second chance to make matters right.
LEAPS: This acronym stands for Listen, Empathize, Ask, Paraphrase, and Summarize, a communication technique that helps defuse conflict and build rapport. By actively listening and responding thoughtfully, you can better understand and address the concerns of others.
Deflection Techniques: Thompson teaches how to handle verbal attacks or insults without escalating the situation. Instead of reacting emotionally, you can use deflection to maintain control of the conversation and steer it in a positive direction.
The "Sword of Insertion": This technique involves using phrases like "Let me see if I understand you correctly..." to insert yourself into the conversation, demonstrating that you are listening and trying to understand the other person's point of view.
Tactical Empathy: By showing empathy and understanding the emotions behind someone's words, you can better influence their behavior and guide the conversation toward a resolution.
Words as Tools: Thompson emphasizes that words have power and should be used carefully. He provides practical advice on how to choose words that calm situations, build trust, and persuade others.
While originally developed for law enforcement officers, the principles of Verbal Judo are applicable in everyday life, including personal relationships, workplace interactions, and customer service. The book provides strategies to communicate more effectively, reduce misunderstandings, and resolve conflicts in a way that leaves both parties feeling respected and heard. The book is a practical guide for anyone looking to improve their communication skills and navigate difficult conversations with grace and effectiveness.
Longer Summary
Five Universal Truths of Human Interaction:
1. All people want to be treated with dignity and respect.
2. All people want to be asked rather than told to do something.
3. All people want to be informed as to why they are being asked or ordered to do something.
4. All people want to be given options rather than threats.
5. All people want a second chance when they make a mistake.
Don’t confuse empathy and sympathy.
The most dangerous weapon is the cocked tongue.
The one attempting to calm must project empathy.
Never use words that rise readily to your lips, or you’ll give the greatest speech that you’ll ever live to regret.
The first step in learning to deal with verbal attacks is to acknowledge that crap is being flung. The second step is to admit that it is being flung at you.
The moment you have an idea and try to persuade others to move in concert with you, you have invited disagreement. The more intensely you live, the more you choose to make a difference in the world, the more you create vital, as opposed to insipid, relationships, then the more open you are to whacks and bumps and bruises. That’s the only path to honest, bottom-line communications.
Who wins the highest office in a democratic society? It is the one who has made a career of attracting verbal abuse, deflecting it, and surviving in the biggest crap-taking business of all: politics.
Three types of people in the world- nice people, difficult people, and wimps. Nice people do what you want them to do immediately, difficult people need to be explained and convinced, and wimps act compliant, but then sabotage and complain behind your back.
Eleven things never to say to someone:
1. Come Here.
2. You wouldn’t understand.
3. Because those are the rules.
4. It’s none of your business.
5. What do you want me to do about it?
6. Calm down.
7. What’s your problem?
8. You never… or You always?
9. I’m not going to say this again.
10. I’m doing this for your own good.
11. Why don’t you be reasonable?
The most powerful concept in the English language- Empathy. To have empathy for someone does not mean to sympathize with him. It does mean to love, or even to like somebody. You don’t have to approve of him. And you are certainly not required to agree with what he says or accept his invitation to Thanksgiving dinner.
The communication warrior’s real service- staying calm in the midst of conflict, deflecting verbal abuse, and offering empathy in the face of antagonism.
A Samurai warfare state of mind called Mushin is defined as “the still center,” or the ability to stay calm, read your opponent, and attempt to redirect his aggression in a more positive way. If you cannot keep a still center, you cannot stay in control of yourself or the situation.
Strip phrase- a deflector statement that strips the insult of its power. Allows you to respond rather than react, also allows you to springboard past the insults and focus on the goal.
Two principles for dealing with difficult people:
1. Let the person say whatever he wants as long as he does what you say.
2. Always go for the win/win solution.
The sword of insertion: Interrupt a tirade and paraphrase back to the person what you think they said. “Let me be sure I heard what you just said.”
14 benefits of paraphrasing:
1. You’ve hooked the other person- they are listening.
2. You have taken control because you’re talking and he’s listening.
3. Making sure you’ve heard right, not finding out later you’ve misunderstood.
4. If you HAVE heard incorrectly, you will be corrected, gaining information in the process.
5. You’ve made the other person a better listener, he cares about his point of view.
6. You’ve created empathy, the other person believes you’re trying to understand.
7. Once you do it, you’ve gained attention. You can drill down to understand their position.
8. Overcomes “sonic intention”- the thing where someone thinks they said something out loud but really didn’t.
9. It clarifies things for people standing around.
10. Prevents metaphrasing- putting inaccurate words in people’s mouths.
11. You can ask for a reverse paraphrase to be sure the other person understands you. “To be sure I said what I intended to say, would you give back what you understand the point of this discussion has been?”
12. You safeguard yourself by paraphrasing back what your boss, spouse, or child says.
13. Generating the “fair play” response- whoever you’re paraphrasing is almost psychologically forced to play by the same rules and paraphrase you.
14. It etches the facts in your mind, reinforcing your own memory.
Verbal Judo vs Verbal Karate. Verbal Karate is using words to express your personal feelings, but you’re not connecting with your audience. It feels good, but you can’t take back harmful words. People don’t forget being humiliated.
Force Options
1. Your mere presence- how you show up, your demeanor, facial expressions.
2. Verbalization- the right words to the right person at the right time.
3. Laying hands on someone with “come along” holds.
4. Use of artificial incapacitators- mace, stun guns.
5. Nightstick or baton, no permanent injury.
6. Deadly force.
If someone wants to ruin your credibility and get the advantage over you, all he has to do is make you angry enough to misuse words. 90% of your success will lie in your delivery style.
1. Ask (Ethical Appeal)
2. Set Context/Telling Why(Reasonable Appeal)
3. Present Options (Personal Appeal)
4. Confirm (Practical Appeal)- “Is there anything that I can say or do at this time to earn your cooperation?"
5. Act (Determination of Appropriate Action)
Context is crucial in all communications. Context is from the latin Contexto (Contextus) meaning “weave together” or “join.”
The first great communication art- Representation
You will always have enemies. First, define, then name them, then you own them.
You live and speak in a fishbowl- people are always watching.
When you speak, you are a mouthpiece, a representative. The more ego you show, the less power you have over people.
People are under the influence of various drugs- anxiety, fear, misunderstanding, ignorance, pride, rage, liquor, drugs.
The second great communication art- Translation
Translation is the ability to put what you say in the most proper, fitting, assertive, and powerful words possible. The goal is to put the precise meaning in your mind into your listener’s mind.
Communication has four basic elements:
Content- What is it you want to communicate?
Coding- Putting your message into words. Separate words (meaning) from self (ego)
Sending- Transmit, over phone, email, in person. Beware of nonverbals- facial expression and body language.
Decoding- Responsibility of the hearer. How well he does is a function of how well you did the first three, for the most part. Affected by your demeanor and carriage (voice and body language), external noise (cars, plane, phones, people, etc), his own internal noise- the “under the influence” from the previous section.
Treat everyone the same, but don’t talk to all people the same way.
Active listening is a highly complex skill that has four different steps: Being open and unbiased, hearing literally, interpreting the data, and acting.
The third great communication art- Mediation
Mediator- “one who goes between.”
Separate and suture warring parties.
Example of the drunk guy brandishing the liquor bottle: “Listen, you can do what you want. But let me tell you that that bottle is constituting, as you hold it, a felony. Look, the bartender’s charge is a misdemeanor. I’m looking for a misdemeanor, and you’re trying to turn it into a felony. Why don’t you give me a break and I’ll cut you some slack. Let’s say I didn’t see the bottle. You drop it and come with me, and all we’ve got is a misdemeanor.” The man was under the influence of liquor, rage, fear, and pride. Policeman used 5 pieces of bait to get him:
1. Value of his time (one night in jail vs. weeks).
2. Money ($30 vs. hundreds).
3. Job (working vs. unemployment).
4. His Record (misdemeanor vs. felony).
5. His woman (might be there vs. might not).
The key is using the personal appeal (what’s in it for them), skillfully presenting options to them.
Elements of communication
Content- 7-10%
Your Voice- 33-40%
Other Nonverbals (ONV) 50-60%
People aren’t buying what you say, they are concentrating on how you say it.
Four elements of voice- Tone (most important, conveys how you really feel), Pace, Pitch, Modulation.
Your ONVs must match your voice- calming voice, calming nonverbals.
Rhetoric- PAVPO
P- Perspective. The way you see things, based on your knowledge, understanding, background, and your experience. Knowing what you know makes your delivery much more powerful.
A- Audience. You must spend an equal amount of time considering this. Use your empathy to get in their heads. Remember that you’re an actor onstage.
V- Voice. See previous summary of voice components.
P- Purpose. The result you want to achieve.
O- Organization. How you want the encounter to unfold, from beginning to end.
How to diagnose a verbal encounter- PACE
P- Problem (Situation you’re in)
Audience (To whom you are speaking)
C- Constraints (Obstacles to effective communication)
E- Ethical Presence (Your professional face)
Four steps to a good domestic dispute:
1. Paraphrase (Use sword of insertion first, keep tone disinterested and detached).
2. Paraphrase again.
3. Refocus the other’s attention (Ask a question to get to the heart of the problem).
4. Say what you want to say.
One of the great signs of true love is the ability to take over and cover for the other when he or she is having a bad day.
Five tools to generate voluntary compliance- LEAPS
L- Listen. Project a face that shows you’re listening.
E-Empathize. Stand in the shoes of another. 4 types of appeals- ethical, reasonable, personal, and practical. Ethical appeal is the five step hard style. Next, go to Reasonable appeal. Never use when people are upset. Under pressure common sense is anything but. With truly difficult people use the personal appeal- frame it as what they have to gain or lose. Practical appeal uses humor, redirection, and refocusing.
A- Ask. 5 different types of questions. 1. Fact-finding. Get the 5 Ws. 2. General- Use open-ended questions. 3. Opinion seeking. Seek their opinions. 4. Direct- Yes or no questions. 5. Leading- Isn’t it true that? Two tactics for asking: First- set the context for your questions- explain it. Second- Vary your questions among the five.
P-Paraphrase. When someone comes at you hard, forget the tone and emotion. Just put it in your own words and say it back.
S-Summarize. Must have three qualities- 1. brief, concise, and inarguable. Summarizing helps reconnect communication when interrupted.
Miscommunication is the sand in the gears of modern technology.
Four step approach to applying LEAPS:
1. Ask- ask your people what they feel, what they want, or how they think things are going.
2. Listen Actively (Repeat steps 1 and 2 until you’re sure you’ve heard everything)
3. Reevaluate your position. Be sure of where you stand, based on your people’s input. It’s not weakness to change your position, it’s actually strength.
4. Deliver the information. Go in front and put out the word/policy.
Number 1- keep your ego out of encounters with the public.
Number 2- Find the right words for the person you’re talking to.
Number 3- Serve people by empathizing with them.
"The angry man will defeat himself in battle as well as in life.” -Samurai Maxim
Praise has to be believable to be effective. If you plan to praise people, never follow with criticism. Criticize first, then praise. Specific Praise Benefits:
1. It feels good, it’s powerful.
2. It’s believable.
3. It either reinforces or teaches.
4. It gets passed along.
Motivate by raising expectations. Raise expectations not through criticism, but through praise. Praise specifically, and you will find yourself resorting to criticism rarely. When taking criticism:
1. Maintain eye contact.
2. If you disagree, hold your tongue for the time being. Don’t interrupt, unless it’s to clarify a criticism.
3. Nod and show open body language that says you’re not only listening, but you’re hearing and understanding.
4. Use phrases that confirm your openness, like “Ah huh”, “Yes”, or “Okay”, “Thanks for pointing that out.”
5. When you have the floor, use the opportunity not only to defend yourself, but also to reiterate that you welcome such input and want to learn.
The ability to punish effectively is a necessary skill. There are many ways to punish, but you must use language without bias. Never mix emotion and punishment. If you’re so angry at someone that you simply must express it, do so. But don’t think about punishment at the same time. You must use language disinterestedly, unemotionally, and without bias. Train yourself to do the opposite of what you feel. If you feel like shouting, whisper.
Every time you interact with someone (family, strangers, coworkers), make it your goal to improve the situation or the relationship.
When what we say or do forces someone to respond under duress, we hand the power to make a decision to them, to control the situation.
“You and your opponent are one.” Bruce Lee. You coexist and you become his complement, absorbing his attack and using his force to overcome him.
The twins of great communication are the same great twins of police work:
1. Always maintain your professional face; never strive to save your personal face.
2. Always treat the other person like you would want to be treated under identical circumstances.
Others:
3. Be careful to distinguish between reasonable and extreme resistance. Reasonable is normal in relations, extreme is hostile.
4. Every verbal encounter is unique.
5. As a contact professional, only you have the responsibility to create and maintain continuous rapport with people.
6. Always check your own assumptions- they may be wrong.
7. Control encounters, don’t become a victim of them. Think of yourself as a contact professional who from the beginning has control of the situation.
8. Use adrenaline; never be ruled by it.
9. Respond to people, never react. Respond is from the latin for “re-answer.” When you respond, you are in control. When you react, the event is controlling you. “The readiness is all”- Hamlet.
10. Flexibility equals strength; Rigidity equals weakness.
11. Avoid the depersonalization of abstraction. Keep your language specific. Use last names for older people, first names for younger.
12. Use positive feedback when you least feel like it.
13. Use self-talk to maintain control when under assault. Remember your acronyms- PAVPO- Perspective, Audience, Voice, Purpose, Organization, the overview of the rhetorical perspective. PACE- Problem, Audience, Constraints, Ethical presence- the way to read a scene. LEAPS- Listen, Empathize, Ask, Paraphrase, Summarize, the five great tools of communication.
14. Never violate the equity principle- treat people equally, regardless of age, race, appearance, or apparent value to you.
15. Cultivate your constituency; don’t try to run people’s lives.
For the toughest cases:
16. It’s not enough to be good; you’ve got to look good and sound good or it’s no good.
17. You can say what you want as long as you do what I say.
18. You can have the last word, because I have the last act is a principle associated with the previous one.
19. Never use those words that rise most readily to your lips, for the moment you do you will give the greatest speech you’ll ever live to regret.
20. If it doesn’t work with mama, don’t use it on the street.
21. If it makes you feel good, no good.
22. Never step on someone’s personal face.
23. The less ego you show, the more power you have over others.
24. Men are like steel; when they lose their temper they are useless. Fine-tempered steel has strength. Steel that lacks temper breaks under stress.
25. When your mouth opens, your ears slam shut. Great leadership has more to do with listening than talking.
26. Common sense is uncommon under pressure.
SAFER concerns- the five scenarios where words alone fail.
S-Security, of others or property under your control.
A-Attack, When under attack, act!
F-Flight-Unlawful flight from your presence.
E- Excessive repetition, you’ve tried all the verbal judo moves and get nothing.
R-Revised priorities- Something occurs to change the situation, you must reevaluate and change your approach.
Well. Those are a lot of good rules to remember, and "A kiss is still a kiss, as time goes by". Would like to see a big picture outline on a bigger screen than my phone, and maybe a Venn diagram or two, but it does sound a little like Akido. Judo is slightly harsher and is prob required for the harder cases. Good one. Feels like you are breaking new ground in establishing parameters for communication in the turbulent 20's. I hope this does not come across as trivializing. A whole college course might be needed to develop all the topics you have condensed into one short overview. Looking forward to more.